Wow! Not even out of college yet and, believe it or not, I've been offered my first job. Who knew, in this economy. Who would take a chance? If you're wondering, it's ESPN. Yep, the biggest sports casting network in the world, and they want me.
It's huge, I know. But, I'm having some reservations. You see, they gave me this 6,263 page handbook and there are a few troubling passages. Such as:
Page 358: "If a great game or individual performance takes place the previous night, on all morning shows, the player or game must be referred to as the 'greatest of all-time.' Always assume your audience is ignorant and knows as much about sports history as Madonna knows about chastity."
Hmm..now that I think about it, page 358 seems to take place a lot, especially on First Take. Just the other day, analyist Skip Bayless called the Netherlands win over the Dominican Republic the, "greatest upset in sports history."
So, I ask my interviewer, "Doesn't an upset have to have some kind of relevance as well as the underdog taking down the favorite?"
That game was an exhibition. By that standard, Virginia Tech no-hitting the USA team in softball last year would be the biggest ever. The USA women hadn't lost an exhibition in 12 years."
"NO!" The interviewer screams at me. "People don't remember that or care. We're trying to be outrageous and flashy, not accurate. It's about ratings here. If you don't get that straight, it won't work out between us."
"Isn't that kind of silly since it was only the second round of the Big East tourny and both teams were already guaranteed tournament bids? Aren't you insulting your audience to assume they don't remember Christian Laettner's shot in the '92 regional final to beat Kentucky? Or Houston losing to the ultimate Cinderella NC State on that famous last-second dunk?"
His face is beat red. "GET OUT! You will NEVER work here. GET OUT!!!!" He screams over and over.
As two former Chicago Bears, now security guards, carry me away, I can't help but yell back over my shoulder. "How about Appalachian State for an upset? How about Villanova over Georgetown in the '85 NCAA basketball final for greatest college game?"
So, looks I'll never be allowed to work as an analyist for ESPN. I want to be a sports journalist, not a shock jock. Time magazine writers don't pen articles for National Enquirer.What sports journalism needs is a John Stewart. Stewart, of Comedy Central's The Daily Show has been on a crusade to call out news networks (most particularly CNBC) for bad reporting on the economy and on recent fraud scandals.
There isn't anyone big enough to challenge ESPN, but wouldn't it be nice to hear Bayless ripped for his "greatest of all-time," rants. If this were the case, ESPN analysts would have to think twice making ridiculous arbitrary statements.
While they are at it, the crusader could hold them to the fire for giving as much attention to small market teams like the Minnesota Twins as Jessica Alba would give John Goodman.
The fans deserve better from the authority on sports, unfortunately, as you could tell by my interview, ESPN just isn't interested.
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