Nice guys finish last, huh Plax

Watching Plaxico Burress's ESPN interview was pretty tough, you know, I mean, you know what I'm sayin, you know? Sorry. He ended by saying (minus the you know's) "I'm human, I'm not an animal." True, and some are feeling the heart-string-tug, but when it comes to compassion Plax, I'm all out. Put it this way:

I'm not a bad person. I always put my cart back at the grocery store to make it easier on the workers. I don't park in handicap spots or fire lanes. If I find $20 on the ground, I look around for it's owner for a reasonable amount of time before pocketing it. And, if someone is coming toward my elevator, I hold it for them regardless of age, race, scent or gerth. You see, I'm not a bad person.

But, the other day I got a parking ticket. It was stupid of me, really. The meter clearly read "one hour parking" yet I tried to get away with two. Nailed! And because I broke the law, the fine was promptly paid and my debt to society erased. So, if I - a generally good guy - have to pay for breaking rules which maintain order, then why are so many people crying about Plaxico Burress getting two years in prison for carrying an illegal weapon?

My car blocked the parking space. Plax shot himself. Feeling bad about blocking the space isn't enough punishment and neither is Plex's flesh wound. I might have inconvienced someone, Plax might have killed someone. Sure the punishment seems harsh (that's why Tony Soprano lives in New Jersey) heck, I thought the $75 fine for the extra hour was like being hit with an anvil for tapping the glass at the pet store.

However, if there's a law that says I should get my brains bashed in for disturbing the fish, then maybe I won't bother them. Just like if New York City has notoriously tough gun laws, maybe I don't stuff one in my jeans before heading to da' club. Though I suppose that's touching on Burress stupidity, which stands out like a pair of zuba pants. How does anyone believe being a friendly-faced rock brain is a reason to receive a pardon?

Nobody pardoned Dante Stallworth and I'm sure he's swell. Stallworth's crime was without malice, too. All Dante wanted to do was get hammered, not hammer an innocent man with his vehicle. Drunk driving isn't that much different from bringing a loaded gun in public yet outcry for Stallworth's release is non-existant. Stallworth didn't get an exclusive ESPN interview.

If one of Vick's dogs bit him in the leg ending his season, would we say that was punishment enough? How about if Tonya Harding swung, missed and took out her own knee? Really, who else were Straw and Howe hurting other than themselves by blowing coke? I guess every pro-athlete should be pardoned as long as they are "good people" and only hurt themselves.

I'm per-Plaxed. Houston Chronicle columnist Jerome Solomon said he felt sorry for Plax. "I hear those of you that say, 'What if he had accidentally shot somebody else?' Well, we can't go on the what-ifs, only on what happened." Really? Aren't all laws based on what-ifs? If I drive 95 in a 30, there's a fair chance I don't kill anyone, but the law says driving that fast severely increases the chance I will. The law assumes the question: "what if someone is backing out or a child is chasing after a ball?" Just like carrying a loaded gun increases the chance of killing someone and presumably asks "what if it went off in the direction of a crowd?"

Solomon also said if Plax shot himself in Texas, we'd all be laughing not locking him up. No doubt, and if I hit golf balls on the moon, I'd outdrive Tiger Woods every time. Or better put, if I dropped my gum on the street in Japan, I'd be in the slammer for longer than Plax. Knowing this, I'd eat Mentos.

Plax is not an animal. He's a felon. You may think the law is stupid, you may think he's a good guy (though I've noticed no one has questioned Plax leaving his pregnant wife and son at home while he's clubbing) bottom line is he broke the law and there is no reason to demand his release or even feel sorry for anyone but his wife and son. Come see us again in two years, Plax.